my phd husband

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Surviving your Spouse’s PhD Program

Filed Under: Personal & Life Updates 19 Comments

This past summer marked the end of five years my husband spent in a doctoral program, which was preceded by two -and-a-half years in a Master’s program.

For almost all of the first eight years of our marriage, Mike was pursuing academic degrees. (And we met when he was pursuing his  first Master’s. You know, the one he got “for fun.”)

And here we are, on the other side. No debt, lots of degrees, an intact marriage, two kids, and the holy grail,  a job with a salary and benefits.

The most challenging part of it all for us was the lack of money  and the anxiety of the future’s uncertainty. 

I was asked to share how to survive your spouse’s PhD program and I hesitate from offering advice about this because:

• Every program is  so  different – the school, the academic field,  etc
• Every family situation is different – maybe the other partner works full-time, maybe you guys live with your parents, maybe you have no kids, maybe you have 6 kids, maybe you live in a super expensive area, maybe your spouse’s PhD is “just for fun.”

But here I am, sharing anyway, because I want to share before I forget! Take it with a grain of salt that your life might be  totally different. 

Our situation : We planned Mike’s career to be the primary source of income. We had one son right as the program started, then another son right as his year-long internship started. I worked outside the home part-time for three years, then from home for the last two years, earning most of our income. My family lived close enough to see us regularly. We lived in a very affordable area, shared a car, and had no school loans. His tuition was covered through an assistantship, he got a very modest stipend, and we had to purchase our own health insurance. It was all very, very patchworky and it changed every single year.

seven tips for surviving your spouse’s PhD program:

Know that it is temporary..

Keep your eye on the prize – yes, it is hard now and it totally sucks that you are, like, super poor for many years, but it is not forever. Truly. It will end. And if you’re really lucky, there is a job at the end! (Oh, I hope there is a job for you at the end.)

And later, you’ll look back and be like, “We did that! We survived!” And that feels pretty good.

But don’t hesitate to invest in where you are now because you might move .

Being in an academic field means you often have to follow the jobs and move for them. (Hello.) The uncertainty and transient-nature of your life might make you want to keep to yourself since you’ll be moving soon anyway. But you never know! (We were supposed to be in Ohio for three years and ended up being there for five.) Being lonely is not fun, so reach out. Invest.

Look for the positives.

Like, “Hey, we have a meager salary, but the kids get to see their dad a lot more often than if he was in a 9-5!”

For us, it was also a really positive thing for our kids and our relationship that we were both able to share the child care and the income earning for so many years.

Gabe and I used to leave our apartment for “Sunday adventures” almost every Sunday for a year so Mike would have the time and quiet to work on his dissertation. It became a ritual we both looked forward to.

Remind yourself why you’re doing this.

It might be a longer road, but hopefully once the PhD is under your/his/her belt, you/he/she will be able to get a dream job that wouldn’t be possible without that degree.

For us, the flexibility of a professor position was part of that dreaminess. We wanted to be together as a family more often, and being a professor was a way to make that happen.

Seek out other people who are doing this family and doctoral program thing so they get it.

It can feel lonely and weird and no one really gets why in the world you would subject yourself or your family to this. Most people understand medical residency, but PhDs usually lack the post-residency job security and salaries, so other families in the same boat can commiserate and support each other.  Even just hanging out with Mike’s classmates who’d been in school for years made me feel more understood and normal.

Communicate.

Chances are you’re both feeling stretched and tired of school. Don’t try to suck it up, talk. Regrouping at the end of every day to just talk for 10 minutes each does wonders for us both to feel connected. It’s easy to feel resentful and bitter and scared about the future, but talking it out can help. Then eating some cereal while watching Netflix. That also seems to help.

Support them!

People might roll their eyes at how long your spouse has been in school or make remarks about how they are a forever student. Back your partner up and support them fiercely.

Also, depending on the field, a PhD doesn’t always mean you can find a job . Support your spouse as they work to gain the experience or research that will make a more viable candidate for desired post-PhD position.

– – – – – – – – – –

When Mike was applying to PhD programs, we found out I was pregnant with our first child. A college friend who was already a mom found out and told me he shouldn’t go to school. She said that it would break my heart if I had to work after having a baby. That we would regret him going to school and he should just get a job to support us instead.

It wasn’t an easy road, but now that we’re through it, I’m so glad we were able to make it work.

Hopefully this will be helpful to someone, somehow. xo

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October 9, 2015 at 6:01 pm

Hi Ashley! I’ve been following your blog for about a year and a half now and I’ve really been enjoying it. My husband is in his last year as a Ph.D. student at Michigan State University (job search and dissertation time, oh boy) and I have a little boy who’s about six months younger than Theo. It’s been comforting to read about your experiences with pregnancy after miscarriage (I had multiple miscarriages too before giving birth to my son), babyhood, toddlerhood, surviving a PhD program and getting a job. Your posts give me hope there’s light at the end of the tunnel!

In order to get my family through the next several months, I just quit my full-time job and decided to take on full-time childcare while earning my master’s degree (fortunately we have enough savings from me working full time for the past 3 years). Eventually I’d like to get into mobile app development and maybe even start my own business like you were able to do with Little Leaf. Do you have any advice for someone going down that path? Did you teach yourself web design or were you doing something along those lines before?

October 20, 2015 at 4:08 pm

Hi! Sorry I’m just getting to this.

First, CONGRATS to both of you for making it work! And for being at the end of a long process! How exciting and scary and SO MANY EMOTIONS.

Second, you *kind of* have your hands full with master’s & a baby, but long story short – my web design came about as a result of community college classes + hands-on experience. SO yes! Totally possible to teach yourself. Lynda.com has great resources, I hear. I get a lot of questions from moms who’d love to work for themselves as a designer in some capacity, so I’m planning to eventually release something for that sort of thing. Good luck!

October 10, 2015 at 7:58 pm

Nice summary!

October 12, 2015 at 2:50 pm

My husband is in his final year of a PhD program in Physics. While we don’t have any kids, I am the primary breadwinner, life coordinator, household-runner, you name it, I do it. He does science, 24/7, so that he can GRADUATE. It’s been hard, but I think it will be worth it in the long run.

October 20, 2015 at 3:58 pm

Yes! I hope it is worth it for you guys. (Final year! HOORAY!!)

October 16, 2015 at 3:41 am

Great great tips! Looking at the positive and long-term effect of this can definitely help anyone survive it :). Congrats guys!

November 8, 2015 at 10:00 pm

I don’t think my marriage will make it through my husband working on his thesis. We are in year six and he has been working on the summary for 2.5 years and cannot get approval. We have a daughter age 11. I am scared. He is threatening to leave me because of my lack of support.

November 9, 2015 at 9:14 am

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. That sounds incredibly stressful. I know how difficult the process can be on a marriage – even more so with kids and not being able to get approval, I image. I hope he finishes quickly or has a plan B in case this all takes even longer. Sending you my love! <3

August 22, 2016 at 3:02 pm

Hello ,great article !im in kind in the same situation.. my boyfriend is in his final year of Phd now he is in Saudi Arabia and i am in Greece our hometown..we met 2 years before and we started our relationship from distance ..everything is fine we are in love and we want soon to get married when we finished…but in Saudi Arabia things are different for woman specially, and the only way to go with him is to get married…and i also i am in my final year of studies so i have responsibilities back home.. as you see we have to deal the final year and the long distance too..he is very nervous about his thesis and i feel like we have a gap between us .i get very frastuated about the situation because i want to help but i feel like i cant do as much as i could if i were next to him fisically.

August 30, 2016 at 9:10 pm

Oh Ashley, thank you for this post. My husband and I are looking into his getting a PhD in Wildlife Management. I’m scared about what it might do to our marriage – we got married in 2015 and have a little boy now. I work part time as an Adjunct Instructor. I think part of the difficulty is not really knowing what we want to do 25 years from now. Growing up, I thought I’d like to stay home with my kids, but working part-time is also quite rewarding for me. The childcare situation where we are now (South Carolina) is easy, but I’m not sure how everything will pan out once we move (possibly to Utah). What would you advise me to do during these planning days?

August 31, 2016 at 9:40 pm

Oh, I totally know what you mean – I thought I’d want to stay at home, but I really thrive working part-time!

So much is unpredictable with child care and PhD programs – it would probably help you to know what his schedule would be like – if he’d have an assistantship and how many hours he’d need to work, etc. My guess is you can make it work – maybe with a few hours of paid child care here and there to fill the gaps if needed. (We had my parents nearby which helped fill those random gaps when I was working 20 hours a week out of the home. Working from home is easier for that!)

October 4, 2016 at 5:26 pm

It was good to read this. I’m struggling with being in the middle of the PHD. Husband is in fourth year of however long it takes, we know how that goes… We’re in debt, we have a four year old and I’m struggling. It’s a good read. Thanks…

October 14, 2016 at 3:25 pm

It was good to read about someone who has been through the same thing I’m going through. My husband & I have almost been married 13 years (we have 2 kids, age 7 & 10) and he had been in school All 13 years (undergrad, masters, & a Ph.D. that’s taking much longer than planned). Thanks for sharing your experience. :)

August 21, 2018 at 8:06 am

Hi Heather & Ashley… Heather, How did your marriage survive 13 years of school? My marriage is in year 12 (all with my husband in various degrees), and I’m completely burnt out. His ego and heady-ness and whimsical dreams about the future with hardly any talk of action steps to settle down into a job, all ruined my respect and support for him. I’m bitter and ready to leave, but I feel like our 2yo daughter deserves a bit more effort on both our parts. But everyone who knows me can see and wonders why I’m still there. I don’t know how a wife can or is supposed to survive this situation? I feel amazing heaps of guilt for the way I feel but I cannot pretend it’s okay and live this way any longer. Thanks for sharing your support & experience!

February 7, 2017 at 2:42 am

My Fiancé is in his last months of a 4.5 year PhD program in engineering. We don’t have children and I am a primary bread winner and it’s been tough. How women make it with children God only knows. My heart goes out to you! Long hours at the lab, no income. I am hoping it’s almost over. I want to help and encourage other women who are grad school widows in essense! Feel free to write to me at my [email protected] adress. I want to offer help anyway I can.

July 12, 2017 at 5:30 pm

I am a student in my Bachelor’s program (B.S. Biology) and am considering pursuing a PhD. I found your blog as I am thinking WAY in advance about the future (and counting the cost). Any thoughts from the spouse who is working on the PhD on how to maintain the work-family balance? Thanks!

September 6, 2017 at 1:21 pm

A little late to the party – but I am so glad I stumbled upon this! My husband and I met when he was a junior undergrad and I a freshman. We both did an MBA and then he went on to do a PhD in Experimental Psych. He’s working on his dissertation now while doing a job search. But he also was offered an assistant professor gig in a different department, so he’s doing that full-time as well! Needless to say, it’s been a HECTIC summer/semester. I am glad it’s almost done!

The biggest issue I have is that I have an EXCELLENT job. I love it and I am the “bread winner”, so to say. He has the option to keep his job here and we’d (finally) buy a house. However, I know it’s not his passion, and I’m afraid he’ll settle after all this work. I also know that having an MBA myself will allow me a lot of opprtunities, I’m afraid I won’t find a job I love as much and I’ll grow resentment. Do you have any ideas on how to combat this?

October 14, 2017 at 10:14 am

I really appreciated this article. I am considering a PhD program for 2018 but my husband is not 100% on board. He is unemployed as of this writing and we have an 8 year old precious girl. I need to know how to be supportive. So first-I don’t know how to do this without his support and two : I am afraid I will be a bad mother to my child if I go to school. My program is Theatre/CLassic Greek. So it will include some night hours too. How can I make sure my daughter and I stay as close as we are now?

March 11, 2018 at 10:08 am

I loved your blog okay! Truly amazing..! Okay coming to the point directly..

What got me to your blog was me getting into a relationship with this guy from my High school who had a ‘huge crush’ on me (as he says it) and took 6 long years to confess! So, after almost an year of casual chatting and talking even i confessed my feelings for him and here i am… dating a ‘soon to be PhD student’!! He has already got his accepts for an integrated MS PhD program from UIUC and some decisions are still awaited!

Honestly the relationship is not too old okay! (Probably it doesn’t even stand a tad bit close to yours) But i can feel it.. its him.. i always wanted someone like him!! I am totally deeply in love with him ❤

I am into my final year of Chartered Accountancy and wish to delve into the magical world of Finance later!

Can you please give me some inputs which would help us carry of our relationship (well, its going to be long distance for atleast 5 years, before we plan our future together) Not that i am very anxious about this.. but we both are committed to sticking around and we know that better things await! But as they say its always easier to connect dots looking backwards.. and we have a long journey to reach there yet!

I would love to hear from you, your advice for us!

Regards, A prospective blogger on “Surviving our LDR and his PhD”

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Dear Richard Madeley: My PhD husband insists on being called Doctor – it’s pompous and annoying

Dear Richard,

My husband is a historian and he has finally been awarded his doctorate after years of hard work. He then lost no time in updating his title on bank accounts and utility bills. It seems a little pompous to me but it’s his call, and I’m very pleased for him, of course.

The problem is that he keeps being mistaken for a medical doctor and more or less having to apologise for the state of the NHS, or his failure to have anything useful to say about people’s thyroid and so on. When he says he has a PhD people often don’t know what to make of it. It seems obvious to me that he should stop using the title, but when I suggested this he got very cross. But what’s the point in using a title, outside work at least, that brings nothing but misunderstanding (and at times actual hostility)?

— M, via telegraph.co.uk

What do I think? I think it’s his problem, not yours. Why should you care if his ego and pride in this new title of his occasionally lead him into choppy waters? It’s not you who’s under attack too, is it? (At least I assume not – you don’t say so.) It’s just him. And presumably he’s big enough and old enough to take care of himself.

As it happens, I agree with you. I myself am a Doctor of Letters (honorary) and have proudly framed my university certificate and stuck it up on our dining-room wall. That’s purely for personal gratification, and almost as a private joke. But even if I weren’t better known in the outside word as a television presenter, I still don’t think I’d use the title. And if I did, and it drew the kind of flak your husband is getting, I’d definitely stop.

My advice is to let him get on with it. He worked hard for his doctorate (as I say, mine’s honorary) and deserves it, so it’s really up to him where and when he displays it. Try and see the funny side to these occasional misapprehensions about the kind of doctor he is.

Next time someone berates him for the state of the NHS, or the junior doctors’ strikes, or their thyroid problems, cheerfully join in. Say something like:

‘I know, I know. He’s useless. He can’t even cure my corns.’

You can find more of Richard Madeley’s advice here or submit your own dilemma below.

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Get a Life, PhD

Succeed in Academia and Have a Life Too

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Monday, May 21, 2012

Is having a stay-at-home spouse the secret to academic success.

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• Vacation planning

34 comments:

I think that a generation ago a lot of working spouses took on fewer of the household tasks than you do - and this probably continues to some extent. Looking at the lists, my Dad did some of the yard work and financial stuff, and most of the vacation planning, but my Mum did everything else. In those kind of situations, then a stay-at-home partner does really free up more time and energy for your work than a partner in a high-paying job who buys in cleaning & babysitting etc (even excluding the time-suck of organising your various contractors.) Just to be clear, I don't think that's an ideal situation - and I'm pretty sure my Dad would choose to spend more time with his kids if he could do things again - but it sure can help with a publishing record. And of course in the past many of these stay-at-home wives were also very highly educated and worked as (often unacknowledged) typists, research assistants and editors.

Thanks for your comments. I have heard that wives in the past (and probably today) worked as editors to support their husbands. My husband doesn't do that, although I have used research funds to pay professional editors.

i just stumbled onto your blog. My husband is actually a stay at home dad too and i am an assistant professor who just finished my first year. I think you are right on in everything you have written. It is not as if having a stay at home husband means you do not have to do anything. I too still take a big responsibility for housework, child rearing, financial accountability, etc. We have a 2.5 year old son and a baby girl coming in August, without my husband's support my children would have to be in day care an expense that far exceeds anything my youth minister husband could make working for a church. So for the sake of our family, for my sanity, for the health of our children he stays home and it works really well for us. I mean we do get that occasional strange look from people who ask what my husband does and it is hard to find play groups for dads...which is a sad reality. And yes, we live modestly too...although we are in the process of building a house...which is now my husband's full time job really. Thanks again for your thoughts.

My husband is also renovating our house. He doesn't do this all of the time, but, since we are moving, he has been working 40 plus hours a week fixing the house up. Of course, he can do that because our kids are (finally) all in public school.

I think we all make choices based on our individual priorities and situations and I don't really think that anyone necessarily has it easier or harder. That said, there are challenges that arise even when you do have two decently-paid spouses who work outside the home. I think it is not really possible to outsource ALL of those household tasks unless one spouse has a job that pays very VERY well. After taking care of all of your financial obligations, goals, and priorities (e.g. rent/mortgage, any student loans, saving for retirement and your children's educations), I would guess that for most people there is probably not enough left over to pay for household help in all the areas that you listed. That means that some things have to fall by the wayside. For us that means the laundry piles up and our house is generally not that tidy. Oh well! Next, there are logistical challenges that come up. It was mentioned previously that organizing whatever household help you do have can be incredibly time-consuming. Also, transportation can be an occasional issue if you only have one car (either by necessity or by choice). Finally, even if your kids are in school, their calendar inevitably has more holidays and vacation than the grown ups' calendars do. The parents have to then negotiate who is best able to take the day off. Finally, when you have unusual work-related stresses or deadlines it can be difficult to have the emotional space to support your spouse if he or she happens to also going through a difficult time at work. That situation can also compound logistical difficulties, you can't BOTH stay at work until 8 if the kids have to be picked up at 6. I can't stand comments like that one on FSP's blog! I think we all have privileges and we all have challenges. Comments like that are just not helpful to anyone!

Great points. It sounds like, no matter what kind of relationship you are in, academics need to have serious conversations with their spouses about what will and will not get done and what sacrifices will or will not be made. We haven't been saving for the kids' education, but hope to start doing that any minute now...

After reading the previous comments, I was surprised that no one stated the obvious: you are very privileged. You are privileged, because you are a high-achieving female academic who is lucky enough to pursue a carrier and have a family, because your husband stays at home. I can see where FSP is coming from (I did not read the blog): For male academics who have stay-at-home wives, it is so much easier to have it all: Carrier, family, loving spouse. For women in the same position this is - unfortunately - still a luxury.. I don't want to get started on how society (or women themselves) undermines new family models by entering subversive discourses on masculinity/ femininity and male/female categories.. In Germany there are 38 600 male vs 6800 female professors, carrier or family is still a question for women. Men never had to make this choice. (My background: I am a PhD-Student in Philosophy, I don't consider myself as feminist. I am just in constant concern about society. I am German and topics on women/carrier/day-care/ opportunities/ quota make the news here on a fairly quotidian basis.)

I understand that I have privilege. My question is: "how much privilege is there in having a stay-at-home spouse versus a spouse with a well-paying job?" Here in the United States, it is much more common for female academics to have professional (better-paid) spouses than it is for them to have stay-at-home spouses. However, as I have thought about this more, it seems it is not simply a question of who has more privilege, but how privilege works in different ways.

I think there are two main things missing from this analysis which are interrelated. One is a lack of consideration of the emotional work involved when you pay people to do a whole load of household/childcare related stuff and the other is the difference if any paid care rather than parent care has on children and household dynamics and related to this is the ability to pay people properly to do these roles. Paying someone to come and do some of the housework is quite intimate for them and you, it is usually low paid and requires management which can be time consuming and emotionally hard work. This sort of work is usually women's work (both the doing and the management of the do-er). All couples have to negotiate household standards and parenting practices this is even harder when it involves external paid 'help' because presumably we don’t want to be engaged in authoritarian and didactic relationships with our cleaners, handy-man, day-care worker etc etc. Overall then I would say that having a stay-at-home spouse alleviates some of the hidden work of hiring help and stops you from having to enter into ‘potentially’ exploitative economic relationships. I don’t have the time to go into the issue of parent-led care versus paid-led care and I am not really sure where I stand on it. I live in the UK am just finishing up my PhD (literally a few days to go!) I have a two year old and our second child is due in 3 weeks. We share care between us, paid care and grandparents but essentially I work part time (although no the last few months of the PhD) and am not sure how things will continue into the future. We would ideally like to both be in academic posts part time! I am sociologists and my partner is a medical researcher if anyone knows of any joint/part time posts going in a university near you - have passports can travel! P.S thanks to your website I have completely changed my writing habits which has massively contributed to getting the thesis finished so thank you!

Congrats on (almost) finishing your PhD. Great timing with #2 coming along any minute now. Interesting take: It becomes a privilege not to take on hired help. And, it is additional work to find and keep help. I can see that. I suppose that explains why many academics who have full-time working spouses take on the responsibilities themselves instead of outsourcing.

I do not mean my comments to take anything away from your achievements, which I admire, nor am I sure that the OP was spot on, but what I would note is two things. First, you are assuming that the two working spouses have the income the support the pay-for services you outline. I work, full time, tenured, as an academic in an underpaid position in order to solve our 2-body problem. I love my job and I'm not giving it up. We have $ yes, but we don't live in an extremely cheap area of the country and thus things like housecleaning services, a nanny or chauffeur to drive our kids places (not something that would work with our sort-of special needs kid) etc would mean a fairly significant dent in our income. Furthermore our travel involves visiting family which is where most our discretionary income goes. Things that appear to save time, such as grocery services exist (and I used when my kids were babies) but the time it takes to put the order in online is not negligible. Money can only buy you a very limited amount of time and there are simply some things you cannot pay someone else to do. The second point I'd make, having very good friends in your situation, is the lack of mental stress/time juggling that is reduced/taken away by a SAHS represents something no amount of $ compensates for. Conference travel, research trips, school vacations, a sick child are all quite complicated with two working spouses. All that said, I think that teaching load and research $ from institution probably plays a greater factor in scholarly productivity.

Those are all great points. I did try to distinguish between a well-paid spouse and a low-paid spouse. It is remarkable, though, that a professional wouldn't make enough to pay someone to perform household tasks. (Not to say it's not true; it is just remarkable.) Nevertheless, the comment stream is making it clear that having a stay-at-home spouse can be emotionally easier - so long as the spouse is perfectly happy with their role. Now that I think about it, in our family, we really haven't framed it as my spouse is staying home to take care of our children. Instead, staying at home is the best way for my husband to have time to do the things he loves: make jewelry, play music, and travel. Framing it that way means that he is happy with it. Although, occasionally, he ponders getting a "real" job or opening a "real" business.

I think the larger point is that, perhaps, you are underestimating what a stay-at-home spouse does and are therefore overestimating what can be outsourced. You may be able to order groceries online...but a human being still has to think about what needs to be bought, based on household needs, and order it. And if you are on a budget, how much you can leverage your grocery dollar. You can pay someone to chauffer your child around...but a human being still has to organize and manage the person that provides the service. Discrete task completion and the management of those tasks are really not the same thing at all. When your spouse does them, the management aspect becomes invisible--only when you have to farm it out do you realize what is actually involved. Have you never hired anyone? Or managed a project with multiple employees?

Xela: The answer to that question is "sort of." When we lived in Peru, it seemed to be expected that we would have household help, so we did ... especially after I tried to wash the sheets in the river by myself. For the year we lived there, we had a person who cooked, cleaned, and watched the kids for us. And, I have had two research assistants, one who went above and beyond the call of duty on her own, and one who was practically useless. I agree about the management of household tasks and how you can't just farm that out. As they say in Peru, it is hard to find good help ;)

What do you think? Can parents outsource household tasks or are there real limits to that? I agree with FeMOMhist that there are definitely limits to outsourcing household tasks, the most important one being money. My husband and I are post-docs in neuroscience, with one baby, and there is no way we can afford any type of household outsourcing. We do all of it ourselves on the weekend, which I don't really mind. I would chose my post-doc husband over a stay at home husband any day, because I love that I am able to discuss science with him. I do think it would make an easier life if someone else would stay at home and take care of the baby and a lot of the household stuff, but I guess I can't take another husband ;-)

I suppose you can't outsource cleaning because you live in a high-cost area? Or perhaps you have other priorities? I imagine you outsource childcare.

we actually never could afford to outsource childcare fully and taught alternate days and obv didn't write on the days we were at home with kids probably the clearest example of how our careers "suffered" from two TT parents. )ddly enough in the major metro areas of the US there are SO MANY DARN ph.d.s that yes professor/post-doc work can be QUITE low paying as crazy as that seems. In my case I gave up position with equal $ to solve 2 body problem, so I suppose you could say we prioritized being geographically together over $. I know other academic couples have made decisions to live apart, in effect being part time single parents

I guess the question of "privilege" or "advantage" is a value-laden one. Any capital (be it human or monetary) that affords one the choice to pursue one's passion/purpose in life is obviously a privilege; however, there is no singular absolute, one-size-fits-all answer to the question. It was important to my husband that I stay home with the kids, so I did--with no regrets (but many frustrations, of course). In hind sight, I was "privileged" to be able to stay home and enjoy all the little moments with my kids (yes even the billion doctor's visits!), but it did come with a cost. I had to defer going to graduate school until my forties, which put me in the "unprivileged" position of trying to start a career at mid life. I guess there's no such thing as a free lunch!

I love this: "Any capital (be it human or monetary) that affords one the choice to pursue one's passion/purpose in life is obviously a privilege"

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Interesting question. Unless you are very wealthy and decide to hire a small cadre of live-in workers who stay with your household for years and years (or live outside the US where such an arrangement is more normal), I don't think you can outsource responsibility, just tasks. And I think that's where the difference lies. Many stay at home spouses who have $ still *do* chose to hire assistance, and they often find that managing that assistance is in itself at least a part-time job. A more common example: anyone who has ever tried to hire caregivers to help an elderly parent knows that managing an employee to do something of value to you still creates work---so much work that often family members will chose for a family member to quit their paid employment and take over this responsibility because when something becomes someone's job it is executed differently than when it is someone's familial responsibility. So while I think that outsourcing can be helpful, I think there is work (much of it in the caregivng literature) to suggest that it is not quite a leveler.

You make an excellent distinction between "responsibilities" and "tasks" and therein lies the rub.!

You might be able to work 40 hours per week (from one of your blog post), but in some fields, you need to put in way more than that. This is especially true of the hard/lab sciences. The more hours you put in the lab, the more productive you are as a researcher... don't ask me how/why, I can't really explain it. When you have a working spouse and kids... You have to curtail your work hours, doesn't matter if you can afford extra childcare or not... or your kids will end up spending most of their times with babysitters/nannies. Perhaps you can arrange alternating working late with your spouse... but you're still curtailing your work hours. And also... even if you can afford eating out on most nights with dual income (I don't think a lot of dual-income couples can do this anyway), do you really want your kids to be eating out to fatty restaurant food every night? Nope, you still cook on most nights. I agree with Xela. I think perhaps you are underestimating the amount of work your husband does for you at the home front. Sorry, love your other entries though...

Thanks for clarifying that. It has become clear to me that perhaps hard/lab scientists do have to work more than 40 hours a week to be productive. Between lab work and managing labs, and meetings, the hours add up.

I actually disagree that the more hours you put in if you work in the lab sciences the better.I think that's falling into the same trap that many academics do, ie the busier, more harried and more stressed I am the more successful I am. As an experimental physicist I think the same approach as Tanya is suggesting can be extremely useful. Careful planning, know what is possible to get done, and when you need a break you need a break. If you get too tired it's really easy To make silly mistakes, wasting your own time and time on equipment. Whereas if your fresh your more likely to be productive,make good decisions, have energy to analyse data etc. also considering current research, working through problems and coming up with valid solutions are extremely mentally tiring and to me seem very similar to many parts of Tanya's day.

I guess this is a hot button issue! I think that different people, different couples, and different situations make for a different recipes for success. I have a husband also faculty member, and 2 little kids--it's our first year with both kids in public school. We both have tenure. But we were able to do it with two very little ones, an 8 year long-distance marriage (one year with a toddler who was staying with me), and lots of moves before we finally landed TT jobs at the same institution. Our productivity was fine but I guess it could have been better--esp. since I didn't know your blog, Tanya! But the question that matters to me mostly is 'are you happy with your life?' and my answer is that yes, I am. Now regarding the roles in the family, my husband will do everything I ask him to do but he will not take charge. For instance, he'll cook if I ask him, but I have to decide the menu. So I do spend some part of my time organizing our life, and I am now used to it and it doesn't take me that long any more but it does take a while to come up with a working routine. I now almost automatically plan weekly menus because I cook and I believe in the importance of a healthy home cooked meal. Also I believe in a tidy household, so I hire a housekeeper once a week. Other than that, we do everything else ourselves. Of course in our case it helps that we are both academics and our schedules are flexible. If I have an evening meeting, my husband can pick up the kids etc. If the kids are sick, usually between the two of us we can figure it out, although the kids don't really get sick any more like they used to. When the kids were really little, I had a wonderful older woman who was able to help me whenever I needed (my our own family lives in a different country). Of course I paid her--and in terms of $$-- which a lot of people talked about--it did put a huge dent in our finances. For ex., 13 years out of grad school, we still have our grad school furniture, so we can afford some help and to travel to my home country every summer. So I think it's a matter of priorities and you need to set your priorities and then the family life and your career will follow along these lines.

sorry for all the typos/grammatical errors! I wrote this while making dinner ;)

I really enjoy your blogs, and I have to admit, I found myself asking "how does she do it with three kids?" She is INCREDIBLY productive! What am I doing wrong? I have put some of your suggestions about writing into practice, but I never feel like I have enough time in the day. Then I read this post, and said, Now I understand! That's her secret! I knew that somebody, whether it was a spouse, grandparent, or someone else, had to be staying at home in order for everything to work. Having a stay a home spouse beats extra research money and a reduced course load ANYDAY and if you have all of those things, you are golden. What you then have is a lot of time, not just to write, but to think, to focus, to write a short paragraph rather than a grocery list; to read a book rather than run baths and prepare food. I have a four year old daughter and by the time I put her down for bed, after making dinner, bathing her, and all the other good stuff, I am wiped out. My husband is not an academic and works full time as well. I always said, "if only I had a stay at home wife." So really be thankful for your good luck. Without your husband staying home, I must say that your productivity would likely look very different right now.

Agree with Anonymous May 22 9:54pm. I've been telling my working husband that I need a stay at home wife for years...

Wow. Thanks for all of your comments. As for my own work schedule, yes, it is true, I generally have between 8am and 6pm, Monday to Friday, to work. I don't work the full 50 hours as I use that time to exercise, have meals, and spend time with my husband, but do get in about 40 hours of work a week. It still is impressive to me that most of you think you would be better off with one income if the other spouse would be willing to stay home.

I think they´re right. 2 full time jobs = 2 people with high stress and while it´s more money, you still have to manage the tasks and there isn´t enough flexible time. Those semi employed spouses can really save $ just by what doesn´t have to be spent to maintain their high level career, and by what, between the two of you, doesn´t have to be hired out. Some of them even keep kitchen gardens, too. It´s a very good deal from a business p.o.v.

Good help is really hard to find, especially if you don't have someone with the mental space to figure out who to hire.

I've really enjoyed your blog - and it has definitely been helpful, and in some cases hopeful. I'm finishing up my PhD in the social sciences right now and my partner is finishing his up in engineering - I'm finding the situation to be both depressing and disheartening. My program offered little guidance and the community has devolved over the years to the point where it seems few of us are prepared after graduation (including me, as I am finding out) and none of us graduating have job prospects for the fall, even those who graduated last year are still on the search for full time employment...But I digress from the topic of this post. It's been very enlightening because my partner and I have been trying to figure out our next move. It has been difficult to find academic positions in 2 very different areas in the same general location. He is already employed in a steady job and has the ability to change institutions fairly easily and command a significantly higher salary than I would in the socials sciences, but I'm having difficulty in accepting the reality that if we want a family it might make much more practical sense for *me* to who stay at home and provide auxiliary support by only working part time (which seems to be the only work I've been able to get so far). Enough rambling! Suffice to say, I agree, it makes more sense in this day and age to have one spouse stay at home - I just wish I didn't have to be me!

When I was a grad student in the US, a prominent scholar in my field, a married man with a stay at home wife and no children, advised a group of us to avoid having children at all costs if we wanted to make names for ourselves as scholars! It was too late for me, as I already had one child when I began and two before I finished my PhD. It's not as if it is unfair for people to have a stay at home spouse. It's a choice people make. Making a career your priority and marrying someone else who does the same, that's a choice with consequences, just as are staying single, marrying and having no children, or marrying someone who is not concerned with a career. The unfairness occurs if gender itself limits options for one spouse.

Getting Married and Pursuing My PhD

A letter from alessandra maria richardson.

(Click on the letters to enlarge)

To the woman facing the unknown,

I have never been more tested than I was tested in my final year of graduate school. I knew pursuing a doctorate in biomedical sciences would be hard but it was difficult in ways I never could have predicted. Entering graduate school you think the science will be the hardest part. You are told that you will be challenged and that it is part of the growing process of becoming a scientist. This is true. My project challenged the existing dogma surrounding cancer metastasis and answering the questions required to make a complete story was difficult and exciting all at once. However, the hardest part of pursuing a doctorate is the waiting.

In my last 10 months of graduate school I entered the realm of the unknown. On January 14, 2017 I married the love of my life in my home parish in Miami. On January 16th we boarded separate flights to our respective cities. He had been working in Boston for 6 months and I was still struggling to finish my PhD in Atlanta. We had promised each other that we would only be apart a year. That timeline was based upon when I believed I could complete my dissertation requirements.

"On January 14, 2017 I married the love of my life in my home parish in Miami. On January 16th we boarded separate flights to our respective cities. He had been working in Boston for 6 months and I was still struggling to finish my PhD in Atlanta."

“I feel like you’re waiting on me and I’m over here struggling to get words on the page.”

“No babe, don’t blame yourself. I’m patient”

My husband and I exchanged these texts on April 27, 2017. The year-long timeline I had promised was drawing near. My manuscript had been rejected from a scientific journal and I was struggling to write my dissertation.

It had been a long road waiting on the unknown. During that time apart I leaned heavily on the Church. I joined a JustFaith program (without realizing what kind of a commitment I had signed up for). I made church friends for the first time since high school. 

Through some twist of fate I found myself living in a condo my in-laws owned and commuted 40+ minutes to the lab every day. I never imagined myself a commuter. Around this time Lent began and I began to appreciate the gift of time I had been given. I tuned into The Catholic Feminist Podcast where I found kindred spirits. If somebody had told me 6 months prior that I would be commuting to grad school while listening to Catholic speakers and podcasts, I would have laughed outright.

Slowly but surely I began to let go. I trusted that whatever daily torture I was feeling, it would reveal itself into some greater plan that I just couldn’t see yet.

"Slowly but surely I began to let go."

The road was long and arduous. Some days I could pretend this was a normal life. Other days I found myself crying to my husband on videochat over the latest setback in my “perfect graduation plan.” The plan that would convince my thesis committee that I had achieved all that they wanted and that I was “worthy” of the elusive doctorate degree.

I discovered daily devotionals and prayed every day that God would show me the path out of this darkness. 

Then, without warning, I caught a glimmer of light. I had fought an uphill battle trying to graduate on the optimal timeline I had set for myself. As always happens, God had greater plans. I had heard this time and again growing up but it never truly set in until I had no choice but to depend on Him. Every time I tried to force graduation or publication of my manuscript, I hit a rejection, a brick wall. I slowly released my grip on the wheel and God’s plan went into cruise control. My husband, homesick for Georgia and me, applied for a job in Atlanta. He secured the position and like every other married couple, we went on our honeymoon and moved in together (6 months late) into a new apartment in the city. 

"As always happens, God had greater plans. I had heard this time and again growing up but it never truly set in until I had no choice but to depend on Him. Every time I tried to force graduation or publication of my manuscript, I hit a rejection, a brick wall. I slowly released my grip on the wheel and God’s plan went into cruise control."

Having lost all hope in a summer graduation, my creativity came back and experiments I had tried time and again began to work! Finally, I reached out to a friend of a friend and applied for my dream job. Everything flowed perfectly at the interview and I received a call back the same day with a verbal offer.

A mere 9 months after my husband and I said, “I do” my whole world had changed. I had someone to come home to, my manuscript was under revision, and I had a job lined up after graduation. I could not have planned a more perfect timeline and I didn’t need to. God had done it for me.

Looking back it’s easy to see where God was leading me. Always toward him and toward the best life possible. However, in those daily moments it was near impossible to let go. Only with the strength He provided was I able to finally release control. 

"Looking back it’s easy to see where God was leading me. Always toward him and toward the best life possible."

I pray that you will find peace in the unknown and that one day you too will see God’s plan for your life.

Alessandra Maria Richardson, PhD

Tell us a little bit about yourself! 

My name is Alessandra Maria Richardson (neé Salgueiro). I am second generation Cuban-American and was raised Catholic in Miami. I am 28 years old and I live in the heart of Atlanta with my husband, Christopher. I just finished my PhD in Cancer Biology last Fall from Emory University and now work as a medical writer, creating communications on clinical trials for pharmaceutical companies. My hobbies include working out, trying new restaurants, and traveling to visit family and friends.

How did you discern that God was calling you both to marriage to graduate school?

Discerning graduate school: Since I was 16 I knew I wanted to pursue a PhD. At that time my aunt and uncle were graduate students earning their PhDs in biochemistry (our family has weird age gaps). I first felt the pull in my AP biology class where cell biology fascinated me and the fact that cancer broke all of the rules of normal cell biology intrigued me even more. So I asked my aunt and uncle about graduate school and gained some lab experience. From then on I was hooked. Biology just clicked for me and cancer research seemed like the best way I could combine my aptitude for science with my desire to serve others. God opened the doors to the best undergraduate and graduate programs I could get into. The path to graduate school was very smooth and that's how I knew it was the right one.

Discerning marriage was similar. My husband and I met my first year of graduate school in 2012. From our first date I felt things were different with him. Conversation was easy and I never wanted to stop spending time with him. Since my husband is not a practicing Catholic, I sought guidance from my grandmother as my grandfather also did not practice. She said as long as he was a good man and I did not expect or demand a conversion of heart, then we could have a healthy marriage. From that point he started to exhibit idiosyncrasies similar to my grandfather and I took them as signs that our relationship would work. Chris and I discussed marriage for a few years as our relationship went long-distance twice during his internships in California. In December 2015, while on vacation in Vienna, we decided it was time to get engaged. We knew he would graduate in May and since his career was uncertain at that point, we wanted to at least have our relationship be solidified before graduation. About 5 months into our engagement Chris graduated and moved to Boston for his first job.

How did you navigate wedding planning while being a graduate student? 

While I had never been one of those girls who grew up with a wedding binder, I actually enjoyed wedding planning! Our wedding was in my hometown of Miami where my parents and most of my family still live. Since my parents were on location and in charge of the budget, planning went fairly smoothly. Once I had decided on a theme (travel), everything else fell into place. I used the checklist on the Knot and made sure everything was getting done as my parents did most of the legwork. As a graduate student my schedule was pretty flexible so I could travel for long weekends as needed to coordinate bridesmaid dresses, have a bachelorette party, and approve the venue. Since we got married in January, I was able to help with all last minute details while Chris and I visited Miami for Christmas. I was very fortunate that my parents handled many of the details to support me in my graduate studies and my long-distance engagement.

What did your vocation as a wife look like for the first 6 months of your marriage on a day-to-day basis? What does it look like now, a year later? 

 During the first 6 months of our marriage my husband and I were long distance as he was working in Boston and I was finishing my degree in Atlanta. We texted each other throughout the workday and at night we FaceTimed daily. Some days were fairly normal (this was our 3rd time being long-distance after all). Others were more emotional as I would hit a setback in my graduate work or the burden of long-distance would settle in. Prior to our January wedding and while he was in Boston we saw each other about once a month. Once we were married the distance took a bigger toll and we increased our visits to twice a month. Typically he would fly me up as my schedule was more flexible and he had the bigger income. We each had our cross to bear during that time. Mine was that the length of our time apart was contingent on my graduating. His was that he had little social distraction as he had lived in the South his entire life and had few friends in Boston. As I state in my letter, Chris was endlessly patient during this time as he always insisted I put my dissertation first and graduate with a body of work I could be proud of. However, under the surface he was homesick as was revealed by his application to a job in Atlanta.

Now, over a year into our marriage our daily routine looks completely different. We live together (like a normal married couple) in Atlanta! We typically have breakfast together before he walks and I take the train to work. At the end of the day we might cook together or hang out with friends in the neighborhood. We can actually plan for our future together now that we know we will always live together. We no longer feel spread across 3 cities: Boston (where he was living), Atlanta (where his family and I lived), and Miami (where my family lives). 

To the woman who wants to get married and pursue higher education at the same time, what advice would you lend to her? 

To the woman who wants to get married and pursue higher education: just do it. I knew people in graduate school who put their lives on hold while they pursued their degrees. I never understood that. School has always been supremely important to me but so is having a life. While I was never actively chasing down husband-material throughout my education, I never stopped being open to the idea of a relationship. I try to live my life by the famous Ferris Bueller quote: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.

Fill in the blank

My favorite liturgical holiday is….

Easter. So Easter. I feel Mass is much more emphasized during Easter than at Christmas and I have always loved that. It has also become my holiday to host among in-laws as I remain the only practicing Catholic and I enjoy sharing that with them. joy after Lent!  So much beauty out of suffering.

A saint I identify with the most is…

Saint Catherine of Siena. She is the patron saint of my home parish in Miami and influenced the church through her writings. I hope to influence people with my writings as well (scientific and non-scientific). 

My favorite quote is… 

 "If you become who you were meant to be you will set the world on fire." - St. Catherine of Siena

I feel most at peace when…

drinking my cafe con leche and reading daily devotionals on the couch before work.

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Dating a phd student: a survival guide, published by steve tippins on september 11, 2019 september 11, 2019.

Last Updated on: 5th June 2024, 02:55 am

Are you dating a PhD student, or married to one? Watching your spouse go through the PhD process can be confusing at best and downright terrible at worst. Your partner may have to be away for hours (or days) at a time. And even when they are home, they have to work on the computer deep into the night, at your children’s dance recitals, and just about anywhere else imagine. 

I’ve been through the PhD process and supported my wife as she began a PhD program and later, as she returned to get a second Master’s degree. I’ve also been through the PhD process myself. So I know both what dating a PhD student (or being married to one) and being a PhD student is like . I’ve also consulted for countless clients, and found many of them have the same problems–and solutions.

Keeping that experience in mind, here are a few things to remember about dating a PhD student. 

7 Things to Remember for Dating a PhD Student 

1. This is a marathon and not a sprint

If you’ve been through college but not grad school, you might remember the time when you pulled an all-nighter in college and did just enough to pass a class that you were way behind in. 

It’s important to remember that graduate school works differently–your partner probably doesn’t have the option of doing things halfway.

Where an undergraduate student could get by skimming the readings, grad students are expected to read everything and make intelligent comments about what they have read. Multiple choice tests are not part of the curriculum. That is to say, even “barely passing” still requires an extraordinary amount of work. 

Thus, your partner will need to put in many hours of work each week, consistently, in order to achieve his or her goal. Mentally prepare yourself for this, and you’ll be less likely to take it personally when your partner doesn’t have time for you. You’ll be a better support to them, and you’ll save yourself the suffering of feeling rejected.

This is a long grind and it will take time and lots of dedication, but they will cross the finish line. 

2 . Your partner will change during the process

Anything that you do for many hours a week for 3 to 8 years is bound to change you. And grad school is designed to do just that. Your partner will look at the world differently when she or he finishes. 

You will probably have changed over time as well. Learn to appreciate the new way of looking at the world. Dating a PhD student can be a bit like going through the PhD program vicariously–you too will be immersed in their topic as they describe the challenges they face and the revelations they have.

Over 50% of doctoral candidates don’t finish their dissertations.

 If you can think of this as a journey that you are on together, it can be a fun process of learning and discovery. That said…

3. There actually is an end

You may think that your partner will never finish the #%&$*@ program. It just seems that way. Every day he/she gets a little closer. Sometimes it may not seem like the end will come but when it does you will have new adventures in front of you and an appreciative partner. Your support, in whatever way you can give it, will make the end of the journey arrive faster (or at least feel like it).

4. The people that your partner is dealing with may seem unreasonable

There may be times when your partner talks about a particular professor in less than glowing terms. Comments like “I already did this!” or “Didn’t he see that?” are mild examples of what might be said. 

Rest assured that you do not need to jump in and defend your partner’s honor. You may think that the request is ridiculous (perhaps a nuance of APA punctuation) but it’s usually been made for a reason. 

Even if the professor is truly being unreasonable, there is no need to defend your partner in these situations. Doing so will usually just make the situation worse. Instead, move on to number 5.

5. Just listen

Many times, all your partner may need is someone to listen to them. They may just need to vent a little without needing you to fix things. 

Understand that there are times when your partner just needs someone to listen and not solve the problem . Being able to listen is a skill that serves all of us well. If your partner is working towards a doctorate, they can solve problems themselves–they just need a friend.

6. You may have to do some things alone

Your partner is very, very busy. You are probably aware of that already. You have a choice to sit and wait for him or her to finish or you can do some things on your own. Maybe you have always wanted to learn to play the guitar, or explore the local waterways by kayak. Perhaps there is a local group looking for mentors or other opportunities to volunteer.

The point is, there are many constructive things that you can do while your partner is doing school work. It will take the added pressure off of them if they know that you can enjoy yourself on your own and aren’t dependent on them for your happiness. Think of it as a free pass to get better acquainted with yourself and try new things.

7. Anything that you can do to lighten the load is appreciated

Perhaps your partner is working, going to school, and in a relationship with you all at the same time (and maybe you even have kids!). Even balancing school and a relationship may be overwhelming if you factor getting at least one good night’s sleep a week into the equation.

There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. Anything that you can do will be very helpful and show how compassionate and supportive you are. Do the laundry, cook dinner, and you’ll earn your place as the supportive partner of your spouse’s dreams. 

Final Thoughts on Dating a PhD Student

If your partner is in a doctoral program your life will change. If you can understand what she or he is going through and try to help, your life will be much easier and your partner will really appreciate everything that you do. And, while you are being supportive, take the chance to grow yourself.

Steve Tippins

Steve Tippins, PhD, has thrived in academia for over thirty years. He continues to love teaching in addition to coaching recent PhD graduates as well as students writing their dissertations. Learn more about his dissertation coaching and career coaching services. Book a Free Consultation with Steve Tippins

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Faith. friendship. birds. life., 10 signs you’re a phd spouse.

No, I’m not talking about the area road construction (ha!), the nasty election season (grooooan…), or even some cosmic Jesus-y thing.

I’m talking dissertation.

Not mine, since I’m not in the mood for a PhD (now or possibly ever). My hardworking, faithful, diligent husband’s. He submitted it a couple of weeks ago and defends it in September.

NOSE. GRINDSTONE. DONE.

If you heard a loud rendition of the Hallelujah chorus blasting from somewhere unknown, that was just us celebrating that his long years of study had come to a close.

So in honor of the man I love and all of you toiling away at advanced degrees or supporting those who are, here are  10 Signs You’re a PhD Spouse

• You haven’t had a non-working vacation in years

Your partner takes a break now and then, but always,  always  at the back of their mind is Freud or St. Augustine or quantum physics or the botfly. Niagara Falls is merely a backdrop to the inner workings of their thoughts on  Beowulf.  Disneyland suddenly becomes a treatise on unreality.

My husband brought a book called  On Being  on a freaking  cruise ship.  As our friend Ted so rightly asked, “On being  what ?”

2. Your preschooler has the vocabulary of a twelve-year old

My three-year-old has asked me to “define” my “statement.” I doubt he knows what it means, but it sure showed what he’s hearing around the dinner table these days.

Poor kiddo.

3. You basically fund your area coffee shop

Same said preschooler tells everyone he knows that “Daddy works at Starbucks.” I’ve had to explain to more than one confused person that my husband isn’t actually a barista. Because the coffee shops  pay  baristas.

4. You look forward to graduation like you look forward to the second coming of Jesus

Maybe not quite as much, but a heckuvanawfullot.

5. You aren’t getting a PhD, except you sort of are

I could tell you a metric ton about St. Augustine, Thomas Aquinas, and Freud, none of whom I’ve studied on my own extensively. Their works have been littered around my house, office, and dinner table for the past seven years. So yeah, we’re tight.

I have an honorary doctorate in “moving all the giant obnoxious hardback books off the table so we can eat.”

I earned that sucker.

6. You’ve researched entry-level professor salaries and cried

“Well, at least all these years of back-breaking work will be worth it someda—WHAT? Assistant Professors often make less money than Etsy crafters, make-up artists, and  phlebotomists? Siiiiiiiigh… ”

7. You’ve bonded with the partners of other PhD students for life

No one understands the irritation of seeing a giant book in your husband’s hand while the kids are opening their presents on  Christmas Eve like they do.

No one celebrates that the grant came through like they will.

No one commiserates over the difference between a stipend and a salary like they do.

They  get it.

8. The library fines make you nutty

When we graduated from seminary, I lugged a rolling suitcase of overdue books back to the library on my husband’s behalf.

Do you know what $0.10 a day for forty-six books for an entire semester adds up to?

YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.

9. You’re crazy-proud of your almost-doctor

You were there for the initial dream. You’ve seen all the early mornings and late nights. You’ve witnessed the self-doubt. You’ve noticed the courage to push through when an intellectual problem seemed unsolvable.

An advanced degree is a marathon, and you’ve cheered for your runner all the way.

10. They dedicate their dissertation to you and you cryyyyyy

When it’s all said in done, this is  your  (plural) work. You may not be getting the PhD, but you helped. When they put that into words–some of the same beautiful words they used to compose a thesis, craft an argument, and solve a problem, you realize anew that being married to a brainiac is an incredible gift.

Hardback books and all.

Are you partnered to a PhD? What would you add?

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